This year, I started taking a monthly assessment of myself in my journal. It is what it sounds like: at the end of each month, I take a look at things about myself, how I’m improving, and how much more I have to go. It’s my 3rd one now, and it really is helping me to think more and more about gaining a stronger self-awareness in order to move through life improving on a daily basis. The best way to go through life is to seek to learn more, improve, and strive for higher and higher goals.
A LOT happened this month to write about, but I’d like to share just a portion with you (in list form):
- “Midterms– I poured my heart & soul into passing my midterms like never before, and aced them both. The feeling of accomplishment actually came not after I got the ‘A’ back, but right before I took the test and had prepared myself so well for each one that I was nothing but ready for them. Being a generally bad test-taker, feeling this sense of accomplishment that soon was an accomplishment in itself for me.
Choir – The Chorale went on tour mid-month for recruitment, concluding with a Sunday evening concert. This entire weekend, while not perfect, was originally a small but secret dread of mine…well, introverted me, not musical me. Having to spend so much time around everyone for 4 straight days sounded way more exhausting than the huge amount of music we were expected to sing. (Not that I hate people. See 5 Introverted Facts.) However, our music being so fantastic + feeling of performing has been slowly motivating me more and more to enjoy being there and being a part of something great – where my motivation as a singer should be. Once in a while I get a chance to…I guess, ‘feel important’ (with a few specific tasks) and part of me feels fulfilled just having given myself a brief moment to show that I can be normal. I’m just withheld by fear of putting myself out there typically thanks to a rocky/displaced self-disposition I’m working to conquer. I think this past year has been the MOST I’ve ever been so self-conscious of this. This is something I need to work on more, and it starts by finding ways to eliminate that fear. On the other hand, I’m finding myself opening up little by little in Men’s Chorus. Somewhere between the camaraderie of this atmosphere, being in front of them to rehearse a piece, having chatted with some of these guys at times and so on, I find myself getting comfortable in there just a little more, and differently. I’m still more on the introverted side there and feel like I probably come off as nervous half the time I’m in front of them, but the feeling of wanting to belong somewhere with this school feels a tad more natural with this group. Not 100% sure why yet.
Church– I work for a small church choir of very nice, warm people whom I think highly of. Lately, I’ve been finding myself quietly wanting to get further involved with this church, or the people there, or using it to boost my spiritual life, or…something. The sermons have been really speaking some important things to me that I knew I’ve been missing for some time now. I grew up in the church, but I hadn’t been to one on a weekly basis before working for them since I started college, due only to not feeling fulfilled spiritually anywhere since. This church is nothing like the church I grew up in, but I can honestly say that they’ve has been giving me the right amount of a spiritual boost and things to think on in a way that I deeply needed. Getting more and more involved with the choir/music is also helping me to feel like I have more of an identity/belonging there. I guess that’s what I’m feeling with this church in general – a growing want of a belonging with them.
Dreams – I’ve had some dreams lately about various life circumstances – the kind that put you in the situation that’s on your mind. These dreams are leading me to think that God is trying to tell me something through my dreams. I think it’s my job right now to just keep my eyes and ears open to whatever that may be, because chances are He’s trying to teach me something about myself.
So to sum it all up, it sounds like I need to pay attention to:
Belonging (where, with what groups and why)”
So that’s my monthly self-assessment (abridged). What are some things you’re thinking of in terms of bettering yourself? Feel free to share if you wish.