In lieu of having just celebrated Holy Week, this past weekend my siblings & I watched some Easter movie specials, and explored the age-old question:
Judas, what the heck?
If you get familiar enough with the story of the crucifixion of Jesus, you learn that Judas was fulfilling a prophesy by turning Jesus in to the Romans/Pharisees. But there’s a few parts of the story which you have to wonder what in the doggone world was going on in this man’s head. So let’s take a ride through yet another sketch comedy to adventure into the (slightly exaggerated) possibilities!
Judas Is Scary Yet
[…get it? Judas Iscariot? Haha. Okay, moving on.]
(Scene: The Last Supper. Jesus and the 12 disciples are seated around the table, eating and chatting, jovial.)
PETER: And then I was like, “No no, we’ll come to YOUR church this time, it’s a brief walk!” and she was all (high falseto) “but Simon Peter, what about the sea between between our two cities?” (regular) And I said “Water? HAH! Water?! Do you know who my Master is?! I’ll just walk on over there! We do it all the time!” Haha, she was quite speechless, my brethren.
ANDREW: And you mean to tell me that she believed you would walk on the water to her?
PETER: ‘Believed’? If the Master had me do it once, surely I can attempt it again! Why, I’ll surely skip right over those fish this time!
THOMAS: Yeah…I doubt that’ll work, but you know. Do you.
PETER: Oh, shush Thomas! Judas Iscariot, pass the bread please! (no response) …Judas?
JUDAS: (sudden panic) WHAT ABOUT THE SILVER PIECES?!?!?!?!
JUDAS: Oh, sorry. Here you go, Peter. (Passes a pitcher of water across the table)
PETER: Thank you, but this isn’t bread; it’s water.
JUDAS: Well you don’t have to ‘wine’ about. Ha. Get it? Wine, whine. (nervous “please accept me”-induced laughter; snorts; quickly turns into awkward silence)
JESUS: …Now is a good time for me to speak to you all about this. Each of you, take a piece of this bread. (Passes bread around the table; all disciples take a piece) Take, eat. This is my very self – my body – broken for you.
JUDAS: Pretty crummy body, if you ask me. Do you even lift, Master? (nervous laughter again; all stare in disbelief)
ANDREW: Judas, please. (JUDAS makes a squints his face at ANDREW, mockingly)
JESUS: Take and drink. (passes wine around; all take a sip) This is my blood. I will soon die.
JUDAS: Well obviously, if we’re all drinking your blood, you’ll die. OOOH, does this mean I can turn into a Messiah too if I drink your blood? I’ll call myself “Jesus Iscariot” or “Iscariot the Chariot” or “Earth, Wind and JUDAS!”
PETER: JUDAS! Cease this madness! The Master is having a serious moment!
JESUS: On the night I am taken, one of you in this very room will betray me and hand me over to the enemy. (All Disciples except JUDAS react in concerned disbelief and fear)
PETER: We would never betray you, Master! It…surely it isn’t…it can’t be me, is it? Master, is it I?
ANDREW: Master, is it I?
JAMES: Master, is it I?
(Each disciple asks JESUS this one-by-one while JUDAS looks around nervously, looking for an escape. He thinks:)
JUDAS: (thinking) Hoooo boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I wonder if he knows. He probably knows. I’ll never live this down. What have I done? I always said I’d NEVER betray a man with hair longer than mine. But I needed that money…how else am I supposed to support my figs-eating habit? I haven’t been this nervous since I arm-wrestled that kid on the mount for the last few pieces of bread and fish. Darn Jesus, making us share that with everyone. Oh shoot, they’re almost done…don’t make eye contact..don’t make eye contact…
THOMAS: Master, is it I? I mean, I doubt it, but…
JOHN: Oh my gosh, really?
JESUS: He who betrays me knows it. He is here. (looks at Judas, with minimal expression, but still conveying “I understand, but I’m still disappointed.)
JUDAS: (Looks around, like “What? Me? Oh nah?”) …Uh…uh…uh…oh right. *ahem* Master is it I?
JAMES: Kind of late on your line there, buddy.
JESUS: You have said it.
JUDAS: Um…yeah… (looks up suddenly) Oh, what’s that, Lazarus? You need help getting out of the tomb? (stands quickly) Well I guess if I’m the only guy who can help bring you back from the dead again — (starts to run off)
MATTHEW: What?! The Master brought him back ages ago! What are you talking about?
JOHN: Where are you going at a time like this??
JUDAS: Oh you know…I just need to go…do the…Judas-y things I do…
JESUS: Do what you must. (They meet eyes. JUDAS freezes for a moment.)
JUDAS: Well you know what they say…if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the tomb!
BARTHOLEMEW: You only tell that joke when you’re about to betray people.
JUDAS: You only look that stupid when you’re about to…. I GOTTA GO!!! (runs out)
PETER: (after silence) …Is Lazarus really dead again? I just went to Mount Fitness with him last week—
JESUS: Peter. No. Come on.
(Scene: Garden of Gethsemene. JUDAS is leading the ROMANS to capture JESUS, who is just returning from prayer to awake the disciples, who are sleeping on the grass)
JESUS: Awake, all of you! How can you sleep at a time like this! I asked you to stay awake and keep watch! Wake up!
PETER: (jumps up) Aaaaaaaand then I said “Mom, if I wanna walk on water, it’s my life, okay??? —oh, hey Master. I was just telling the guys–
JESUS: You were sleeping.
ANDREW: We were sleeping on the cold hard ground!…and yeah we fell asleep.
JESUS: You had one job! Get up quickly, for he who betrays me is near!
[JUDAS & the ROMANS stop about 30 ft. away from JESUS]
JUDAS: (to the ROMANS) The man I kiss is the one you want.
CAPTAIN: …A kiss, are you sure? You could simply begin talking to him or shake his hand, that’ll give us the–
JUDAS: No no no. I’ve already planned this out. A kiss. It must be a kiss.
CAPTAIN: Really, you could even point to him, or yell “JESUS THE CHRIST, HERE YOU ARE OUT IN THE OPEN–”
JUDAS: LOOK. Clearly you don’t know anything about betraying people. You kiss them. That’s how you do it! All right!?
CAPTAIN: If you say so… (JUDAS walks towards JESUS) … what a strange man…
JUDAS: (to himself) All right. Showtime. (to JESUS, jovial) Master! Hey, sorry I fell behind. Peter forgot to give me the address! It’s so good to see you, come here big guy —
[JUDAS awkwardly and slowly starts to kiss JESUS, and first grabs His shoulders/holds Him]
JESUS: Judas, you don’t necessarily have to—
JUDAS: No no, I got this buddy, it’s all good, just showing you how much I love you–
[JUDAS continues to try kissing JESUS on the cheek, misses, and gets his shoulder]
JUDAS: Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m gonna get this right–
JESUS: Judas, you really don’t–
JUDAS: Don’t say anything, I can do this!
CAPTAIN: Judas, I think we know who he is now, you can stop–
JUDAS: NO! This is my one job, man! I can do this! (tries again; misses the cheek again and gets his forehead)
PETER: That’s maaaaaaaajor bro code right there. He’s getting kicked out of the Disciples for this.
ANDREW: …But not for betraying the Master?
PETER: Is that what this is? Wow, all this time I thought it’d be Matthew the tax collector.
THOMAS: I doubt that ever happening.
JUDAS: Okay, okay, everyone just calm down and let me handle this! (finally kisses his cheek)
JESUS: (staring blankly at JUDAS) Judas…you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?
JUDAS: Yeah, maybe I should have shaken your hand like they said.
CAPTAIN: All right fellas, there he is! Forward! (ROMANS grab JESUS)
THADDEUS: (points & yells) Those men are gonna hurt Jesus!
PETER: Come on, Disciples! We can’t let them take the Master!
DISCIPLES: (action hero-fighting poses) FOR THE MASTERRRRRRR!!! (they charge forward and try to fight; the CAPTAIN pulls a sword and the DISCIPLES run away)
THOMAS: (running) I IMMEDIATELY DOUBT THIS DECISION!!!!!!!!
PETER: YOU COWARDS! I got this Master!!! (grabs a sword and accidentally cuts a ROMAN’s ear off) Take this, Roman scum — uh-oh.
JESUS: PETER, NO!!! We will not shed blood for more blood! I did not teach you that way! (Holds the ROMAN’s ear on his head; it heals and is back in place)
ROMAN: I…wow…thank you, sir.
JUDAS: Hey, you never did that with me! Come on, man, I gave you my best Judas Iscari-kiss!
CAPTAIN: Let’s move him out! (ROMANS take JESUS away)
PETER: Noooo! What have I done? We have shamed the Master… (cries)
JUDAS: Hey, it’s all right, buddy… (fake-consoles PETER, patting him on the back without really caring about him) It’ll be okay…we’ll find another Jewish master to follow around. You…you want a ride my special Judas Iscariot chariot? I’ll let you do that, Peter. Just you.
PETER: You MONSTER!!! I could kill you, you double-crossing, backstabbing, sneaky, two-faced, money-grubbing, skinny piece of trash!
JUDAS: HEY! I’m not that skinny!
PETER: AAAAAAH!!!! (attacks him; JUDAS stops him)
JUDAS: Hey man, come on, violence won’t fix this. You just cut a guy’s ear off, for Iscariot’s sake! You’re just angry right now. Come on, let’s hug this out. (tries to awkwardly hug/kiss him)
PETER: (breaks away) Yeeeeah, I’m not doing this. (walks away) I shall go find the Master, and defend Him to the death!
THOMAS: (from a distance, offstage) I doubt you’ll actually do that!
JUDAS: DUDE, SERIOUSLY!
*Please know that this, once again, is just a comedic look at things. I am a Christian and greatly believe in the events of the Bible, and am not trying to be blasphemous. Just funny. Hope you enjoyed it!