Movies Kevin Hart Should Have Been In

kevin hart
So let’s face it: Kevin Hart is having an exceptional year. He’s transitioned from standup comedian to America’s favorite funny man to beloved comedian to that guy who’s in EVERY movie coming out in 2014. Like, every movie. (No, seriously. He stunt-doubled in Maleficent as the crow the first time we meet him. Go watch it again.) Whether or not the films he was in were successful (Think Like a Man) or not (Soul Plane), the rising stardom and success of Kevin Hart is undeniably fantastic. His latest standup Let Me Explain created the second hardest laughter I’ve experienced within the last year. And his presence in recent movies like Ride Along and such, he escalated the movie’s humor gigantically with his joke, strong writing, and a personality larger than his…well, height.
Ride_Along_poster
You get the point. Kevin Hart is awesome. And EVERYWHERE.

SO everywhere, in fact…that I wonder how other crappy movies would have been saved if they would have gave Kevin Hart a call! Think about it. If your favorite flimsy film had harrowed some Hart humor, it’s suckiness shant have survived. Therefore, in lieu of the release of Think Like a Man Too, I’d like to take a look at lackluster movies and explore how K-Hart would have made them better!

  1. Love Don’t Cost a Thing
    Of the films I’ve reviewed this year, this one is my LEAST favorite. The worst quote is the athlete bully yelling at Nick Cannon’s friends during the game to leave their seats (apparently “for cool kids only”). He says “LOSERS TO THE LEFT!” and it is at this moment, when no one stops him, that there are NO adults in the movie making these loser children be accountable for their actions. Insert Kevin Hart as the basketball coach, who would have gone up to the bully to put him in check.
    HART: Hey! Boy, get back on the court! What you think this is?!
    BULLY (to ‘geek’): Get off our seats! LOSERS TO THE LEFT!
    HART: (to bully) No – Losers back on the court! What are you doing, boy!? Get back to the game! I got money on this, young playa!
    stop it
  2. Fat Albert
    I’d say he could have been the replacement Omarion. You know, instead of having Omarion “trying to be the antagonist”, we could have just had Kevin Hart as another schoolmate or something, a buddy or Kyla Pratt who told some jokes along the way. Even if it was a few throwaway fat jokes, him doing it would’ve made us all forget about Russell’s stupid junkyard backplot easier.
    "Nobody makes a fool out of Reggie...except for Reggie!"
  3. Fighting Temptations
    How great would it have been if K-Hart was in the choir, sang TERRIBLY, but they had to keep him because it turned out he was Lilly’s (Beyonce) cousin and she would only stay if Darrin (Cuba Gooding Jr.) kept him? SO many great moments would have come from this. Because as we all know, in every choir, there’s always that ONE guy.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjCfvwg8TsE
  4. Batman & Robin
    We all know this movie sucks. Maybe Kevin Hart could have been Mr. Freeze’s sidekick who put him in check for all those bad ice puns.
  5. Shark Tale
    Kevin Hart as the annoying shrimp. Self-Explanatory? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Hilarious still? Heck yes.

    "Say hello to my little friend, MITCHES!"

    “Say hello to my little friend, MITCHES!”

  6. Training Day
    Just because of the explanation of his SNL audition doing how he thought this movie should have gone. I mean, come on!
  7. Space Jam
    How great would it have been if instead of Bill Murray showing up at the end, Kevin Hart comes in, tries to steal scoring the winning basket, has this huge slow-mo where he’s in the air, and he misses? Then he’s just standing there blankly like “uh…wait wait wait, lemme get another shot, I was just getting warmed up!”
  8. Bebe’s Kids
    Hart would’ve have put up with that mess. He’s a better father than that.
    kevin hart kids
  9. Grown Ups 2
    When not even Chris Rock can save your movie (bad writing withstanding), your movie has a problem. Perhaps trading David Spade for Kevin Hart and letting him & Rock spar off would have brought in more laughs and definitely a wider audience.
  10. THE WIZ
    Yes, I’m still pulling for the fact that Kevin Hart needs to play the Lion. Do I even need to explain?

What other films do you think need a heaping helping of Hart? Drop some comments and let me know! Here’s to more Hart-enduced laughter this year and for more to come.

-BB2

P.S. This is my FAVORITE Kevin Hart standup joke: (from Let Me Explain)

BB2’s Tips for Summer

we-want-the-summer-2014

So summer has started for me, and maybe many of you already, upon the recent completion of my school semester. Others will kick off summer with Memorial Day, and some next month because they believe everything the calendar tells them. With a slightly lighter load – or, in the very least, nicer weather [cougheventuallycough] comes the desire to spruce things up a bit with fun things to do over the summer. I’ve certainly given thought to how I’ll treat my non-busy moments of summer, as I am in desperate need of this academic break.

Some like to keep it simple. Some like to go on tons of trips, attend parties, or do all kinds of things to stay active. Either way, I say, why not do something you haven’t done before? Just to mix it up a bit. Here are BB2’s tips for a fun, healthy, and memorable summer:

1) One “Off” Day Per Week – Maybe it’s the weekend, or a random weekday when you’re not working. Have one day each week when you are scheduled to do NOTHING. This way you can physically, mentally, and emotionally relax. Maybe finally get the grass cut or the weeds trimmed. Maybe finally call your parents or uncle who keeps leaving messages. Or do a stake-out of a cop doing a stake-out. Because, why not? #CopStakeOut
snl-dykes-and-fats

2) Do Something Creative/Artistic – As humans, we all have aesthetic needs, and thrive much more when we are able to express ourselves in creative ways. So sing a song every few days, take up painting, dance around the house, play music that puts you in a good mood while you’re in the shower, take a class on the art of graffiti, become inspired by the graffiti, dispel the myths about nudity in art being inappropriate, express that myth by drawing your new-found beliefs in representation on a public bridge with graffiti, explain your artistic intentions to the cops when they complain about defacing public property but you have freedom of speech and were therefore doing the crumbling bridge “a favor”, tell the story to your community service buddies while cleaning the bridge despite the fact that they don’t appreciate art as much as the hookah they’re utilizing whilst cleaning…but yeah. Art is fun. Next. (This story not spoken from personal experience.)
parks-and-recreation-jerrys-painting-1_article_story_main

3) Do Something Out of Your Comfort Zone – Jump on a skateboard on your street’s hill. Try that thing you saw on TV that shouldn’t hurt you THAT much. Go to the bar with your friend and make the same drink work for 4 hours. Sneak in a non-alcoholic beverage that looks like one but it isn’t (i.e. milk) just to fool everyone. Buy a new piece for your wardrobe that you wouldn’t normally, but it makes you look/feel great, so why not? Go sky-diving. Eat nothing but Pringles all day while binge-watching 5 seasons of your favorite show. Break your record of how many hours you can sleep without waking up while still breathing. Grab a smoker’s cigarette, put it out & tell them you care. Give them a hug. Find a McDonalds employee (or gas station employee), hug them, and tell them it’ll get better…then coach them on writing a resume. Grab someone’s cell phone and THROW IT ON THE GROUND.

4) Promote Artistry of Yesteryear – Find as many kids as you can and read the original Dr. Seuss books to them. Tell them about how the 2000s movies are insultingly pandering garbage that should be burned. Participate in a movie burning with the children. Teach them how to stop, drop and roll, because I don’t know if parents are doing that anymore.
lorax

5) Travel – Go to the White House and ask Joe Biden for a piggy-back ride. Be insistent.

6) Summer 2014 Movies – Attend a movie that everyone is talking about. Sit in the back and trash-talk it the entire time. OR laugh obnoxiously. If someone attractive openly complains to you, ask for their number and Friday night plans. If you don’t find them attractive, grab their popcorn and THROW IT ON THE GROUND.

can i have yo number

7) Road Trip Randomness – Go on a road trip with one friend and a video camera to a place where no one knows either of you. Record yourselves running up to random strangers to say/do random & slightly inconvenient things that are hilarious to you. Run away immediately. Drive back home laughing about it. Upload the video to YouTube. Become an internet celebrity. Guest star in a Jenna Marbles video. Give me a shoutout.

For example:

You: (from behind) Hey girl…you lookin’ good, in yo’ pony tail…just call me a lawnmower, because you need to cut this OUT! (run away)

Your Friend: (appears seconds later): Hey have you seen my brother? Kind of eccentric guy, sneaks up on people? Oh you did? He did what? I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again. Hey that’s a nice watch you’re wearing. Wanna go out with me? My father’s the president.

deandre cole

So those are just some of my ideas on what you can do to make summer 2014 a memorable one. Got other ideas/plans? Drop them in the comments below!

Happy Summer!

-BB2

Judas is Scary Yet!

In lieu of having just celebrated Holy Week, this past weekend my siblings & I watched some Easter movie specials, and explored the age-old question:

Judas, what the heck?

If you get familiar enough with the story of the crucifixion of Jesus, you learn that Judas was fulfilling a prophesy by turning Jesus in to the Romans/Pharisees. But there’s a few parts of the story which you have to wonder what in the doggone world was going on in this man’s head. So let’s take a ride through yet another sketch comedy to adventure into the (slightly exaggerated) possibilities!

Judas Is Scary Yet

[…get it? Judas Iscariot? Haha. Okay, moving on.]

(Scene: The Last Supper. Jesus and the 12 disciples are seated around the table, eating and chatting, jovial.)

PETER: And then I was like, “No no, we’ll come to YOUR church this time, it’s a brief walk!” and she was all (high falseto) “but Simon Peter, what about the sea between between our two cities?” (regular) And I said “Water? HAH! Water?! Do you know who my Master is?! I’ll just walk on over there! We do it all the time!” Haha, she was quite speechless, my brethren.

ANDREW: And you mean to tell me that she believed you would walk on the water to her?

PETER: ‘Believed’? If the Master had me do it once, surely I can attempt it again! Why, I’ll surely skip right over those fish this time!

THOMAS: Yeah…I doubt that’ll work, but you know. Do you.

PETER: Oh, shush Thomas! Judas Iscariot, pass the bread please! (no response) …Judas?

JUDAS: (sudden panic) WHAT ABOUT THE SILVER PIECES?!?!?!?!

[All stare]

JUDAS: Oh, sorry. Here you go, Peter. (Passes a pitcher of water across the table)

PETER: Thank you, but this isn’t bread; it’s water.

JUDAS: Well you don’t have to ‘wine’ about. Ha. Get it? Wine, whine. (nervous “please accept me”-induced laughter; snorts; quickly turns into awkward silence)

JESUS: …Now is a good time for me to speak to you all about this. Each of you, take a piece of this bread. (Passes bread around the table; all disciples take a piece) Take, eat. This is my very self – my body – broken for you.

JUDAS: Pretty crummy body, if you ask me. Do you even lift, Master? (nervous laughter again; all stare in disbelief)

ANDREW: Judas, please. (JUDAS makes a squints his face at ANDREW, mockingly)

JESUS: Take and drink. (passes wine around; all take a sip) This is my blood. I will soon die.

JUDAS: Well obviously, if we’re all drinking your blood, you’ll die. OOOH, does this mean I can turn into a Messiah too if I drink your blood? I’ll call myself “Jesus Iscariot” or “Iscariot the Chariot” or “Earth, Wind and JUDAS!”

PETER: JUDAS! Cease this madness! The Master is having a serious moment!

JESUS: On the night I am taken, one of you in this very room will betray me and hand me over to the enemy. (All Disciples except JUDAS react in concerned disbelief and fear)

PETER: We would never betray you, Master! It…surely it isn’t…it can’t be me, is it? Master, is it I?

ANDREW: Master, is it I?

JAMES: Master, is it I?

(Each disciple asks JESUS this one-by-one while JUDAS looks around nervously, looking for an escape. He thinks:)

JUDAS: (thinking) Hoooo boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I wonder if he knows. He probably knows. I’ll never live this down. What have I done? I always said I’d NEVER betray a man with hair longer than mine. But I needed that money…how else am I supposed to support my figs-eating habit? I haven’t been this nervous since I arm-wrestled that kid on the mount for the last few pieces of bread and fish. Darn Jesus, making us share that with everyone. Oh shoot, they’re almost done…don’t make eye contact..don’t make eye contact…

THOMAS: Master, is it I? I mean, I doubt it, but…

JOHN: Oh my gosh, really?

JESUS: He who betrays me knows it. He is here. (looks at Judas, with minimal expression, but still conveying “I understand, but I’m still disappointed.)

JUDAS: (Looks around, like “What? Me? Oh nah?”) …Uh…uh…uh…oh right. *ahem* Master is it I?

JAMES: Kind of late on your line there, buddy.

JESUS: You have said it.

JUDAS: Um…yeah… (looks up suddenly) Oh, what’s that, Lazarus? You need help getting out of the tomb? (stands quickly) Well I guess if I’m the only guy who can help bring you back from the dead again — (starts to run off)

MATTHEW: What?! The Master brought him back ages ago! What are you talking about?

JOHN: Where are you going at a time like this??

JUDAS: Oh you know…I just need to go…do the…Judas-y things I do…

JESUS: Do what you must. (They meet eyes. JUDAS freezes for a moment.)

JUDAS: Well you know what they say…if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the tomb!

BARTHOLEMEW: You only tell that joke when you’re about to betray people.

JUDAS: You only look that stupid when you’re about to…. I GOTTA GO!!! (runs out)

PETER: (after silence) …Is Lazarus really dead again? I just went to Mount Fitness with him last week—

JESUS: Peter. No. Come on.

**********

(Scene: Garden of Gethsemene. JUDAS is leading the ROMANS to capture JESUS, who is just returning from prayer to awake the disciples, who are sleeping on the grass)

JESUS: Awake, all of you! How can you sleep at a time like this! I asked you to stay awake and keep watch! Wake up!

PETER: (jumps up) Aaaaaaaand then I said “Mom, if I wanna walk on water, it’s my life, okay??? —oh, hey Master. I was just telling the guys–

JESUS: You were sleeping.

ANDREW: We were sleeping on the cold hard ground!…and yeah we fell asleep.

JESUS: You had one job! Get up quickly, for he who betrays me is near!

[JUDAS & the ROMANS stop about 30 ft. away from JESUS]

JUDAS: (to the ROMANS) The man I kiss is the one you want.

CAPTAIN: …A kiss, are you sure? You could simply begin talking to him or shake his hand, that’ll give us the–

JUDAS: No no no. I’ve already planned this out. A kiss. It must be a kiss.

CAPTAIN: Really, you could even point to him, or yell “JESUS THE CHRIST, HERE YOU ARE OUT IN THE OPEN–”

JUDAS: LOOK. Clearly you don’t know anything about betraying people. You kiss them. That’s how you do it! All right!?

CAPTAIN: If you say so… (JUDAS walks towards JESUS) … what a strange man…

JUDAS: (to himself) All right. Showtime. (to JESUS, jovial) Master! Hey, sorry I fell behind. Peter forgot to give me the address! It’s so good to see you, come here big guy —

[JUDAS awkwardly and slowly starts to kiss JESUS, and first grabs His shoulders/holds Him]

JESUS: Judas, you don’t necessarily have to—

JUDAS: No no, I got this buddy, it’s all good, just showing you how much I love you–

[JUDAS continues to try kissing JESUS on the cheek, misses, and gets his shoulder]

JUDAS: Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m gonna get this right–

JESUS: Judas, you really don’t–

JUDAS: Don’t say anything, I can do this!

CAPTAIN: Judas, I think we know who he is now, you can stop–

JUDAS: NO! This is my one job, man! I can do this! (tries again; misses the cheek again and gets his forehead)

PETER: That’s maaaaaaaajor bro code right there. He’s getting kicked out of the Disciples for this.

ANDREW: …But not for betraying the Master?

PETER: Is that what this is? Wow, all this time I thought it’d be Matthew the tax collector.

THOMAS: I doubt that ever happening.

PETER: DUDE.

JUDAS: Okay, okay, everyone just calm down and let me handle this! (finally kisses his cheek)

JESUS: (staring blankly at JUDAS) Judas…you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?

JUDAS: Yeah, maybe I should have shaken your hand like they said.

JESUS: Hmmm.

CAPTAIN: All right fellas, there he is! Forward! (ROMANS grab JESUS)

THADDEUS: (points & yells) Those men are gonna hurt Jesus!

PETER: Come on, Disciples! We can’t let them take the Master!

DISCIPLES: (action hero-fighting poses) FOR THE MASTERRRRRRR!!! (they charge forward and try to fight; the CAPTAIN pulls a sword and the DISCIPLES run away)

THOMAS: (running) I IMMEDIATELY DOUBT THIS DECISION!!!!!!!!

PETER: YOU COWARDS! I got this Master!!! (grabs a sword and accidentally cuts a ROMAN’s ear off) Take this, Roman scum — uh-oh.

JESUS: PETER, NO!!! We will not shed blood for more blood! I did not teach you that way! (Holds the ROMAN’s ear on his head; it heals and is back in place)

ROMAN: I…wow…thank you, sir.

JUDAS: Hey, you never did that with me! Come on, man, I gave you my best Judas Iscari-kiss!

CAPTAIN: Let’s move him out! (ROMANS take JESUS away)

PETER: Noooo! What have I done? We have shamed the Master… (cries)

JUDAS: Hey, it’s all right, buddy… (fake-consoles PETER, patting him on the back without really caring about him) It’ll be okay…we’ll find another Jewish master to follow around. You…you want a ride my special Judas Iscariot chariot? I’ll let you do that, Peter. Just you.

PETER: You MONSTER!!! I could kill you, you double-crossing, backstabbing, sneaky, two-faced, money-grubbing, skinny piece of trash!

JUDAS: HEY! I’m not that skinny!

PETER: AAAAAAH!!!! (attacks him; JUDAS stops him)

JUDAS: Hey man, come on, violence won’t fix this. You just cut a guy’s ear off, for Iscariot’s sake! You’re just angry right now. Come on, let’s hug this out. (tries to awkwardly hug/kiss him)

PETER: (breaks away) Yeeeeah, I’m not doing this. (walks away) I shall go find the Master, and defend Him to the death!

THOMAS: (from a distance, offstageI doubt you’ll actually do that!

JUDAS: DUDE, SERIOUSLY!

-FIN.-

judas

*Please know that this, once again, is just a comedic look at things. I am a Christian and greatly believe in the events of the Bible, and am not trying to be blasphemous. Just funny. Hope you enjoyed it!

-BB2

People Who’s Voices I Wish I Could Borrow

Sometimes people wish they could trade places with others whom they think highly of. Perhaps they’re in a temporary state of unpleasantness for one reason or another, and they briefly wonder what it’d be like to be so-and-so, their favorite admired celebrity on the silver screen, or the manager at work who has their dream job, or the sibling mom & dad paid more attention to. Regardless, it happens to us all at some point for legitimate (or silly passing) reasons. Well, I’ve been a singer as long as I can remember, and when I don’t have a voice to use due to illness (such as my current condition due likely to pushing through performing w/allergies in the throat all last week), I am really hindered on what I can do. If it’s bad enough, not only can I not talk, but I can’t sing. I can’t help my fellow choristers in the different ensembles I perform with from time to time. If I’m leading a group, I’m limited on doing this audibly or demonstrating the correct part for the tenors. I can’t harmonize when my favorite songs come on in the car, which is a real problem. So times like this make me wish I, too, could be someone else…well, not be someone else. I don’t want someone else’s issues when I have my own. Instead, if I could just borrow someone else’s voice for the next week while mine is in the shop, that’d be GREAT. So who’s voice should I borrow? Indulge with me, if you will, as I think about the possibilities.

  1. Seth MacFarlane
    Seth-MacFarlane-hosts-SNL
    This is mostly for musical reasons. I’m a baritone w/a pretty wide range, he’s a bass-baritone with a very wide range. This would more than suffice as a substitute singing voice, since his fits well with any genre he’s ever attempted, though I’ve only heard musical theatre and jazz from him. Plus he has a fantastically resonant & clear speaking voice when he’s not using his character voices that would be great for greeting people, presenting material, or actually sounding attractive & not awkward when trying to flirt with another human being. How cool would it be, seriously, to ask someone on a date sounding like Tom Tucker? Haha…I’ll never know.
  2. Eddie Murphy
    "Jimmy wanna rib, Jimmy wanna steak, Jimmy want some of your chocolate cake!"This would only be for the singing voice, and only so I can sing his Jimmy Early songs in Dreamgirls without cracking or having to jump into head voice, sounding like a pansy to another listener. Plus, something about his voice just sounds more charismatic.
  3. Gaston
    gaston
    Anyone who knows me well enough knows how much I love this guy and his voice. If I could play him (or at least sing his songs for any given reason), I totally would. He’s my favorite Disney antagonist, hands down. He’s not even a bad guy, per say – he’s just a pompous pretty boy singing songs about how great he is (due to being big fish in a small pond) until he can’t get something he doesn’t want. I just love it. If I had this voice, I would never give it up.
  4. Morgan Freeman
    morgan-freeman-god

    I don’t imagine I need to explain this one much. All I’m gonna say is, I would have far too much fun narrating the events of friends & family members as they’re happening, and they’d likely feel obligated to avoid annoyance. Out of respect. #TheFreemanVoice
  5. Seth Myers
    seth meyers update snapchat

    I have no idea if Seth Myers can sing or not. But there’s a small part of me that wants to take a crack at newscasting or delivering one liners at silly news stories, or even interviewing in a talk-show-esque style. Probably from watching so much SNL & NBC late night line-up shows in general. Regardless, if I had this chance, I would definitely want to emulate Myers with this voice, timing, and class. (If not him, perhaps Alec Baldwin for similar reasons.)
  6. James Earl Jones
    Coming-to-America-King-Jaffe-Joffer-11
    I’m straying farther and farther away from singers. However, this man has one of the most powerful voices on the face of the planet, having played a wide variety of roles in which he absolutely commands the room over the years. With this voice, I say so much as ‘Good morning’ and I’ve got everyone’s attention. Somehow I wonder what would happen if I was working at McDonalds with this voice and things got ugly. “Bryon, that customer is waiting on their fries from 5 minutes ago.” “LET THEM WAAAAAIT! I’m talking to my son.” (Bonus points if you can guess that famous James Earl Jones movie/character reference.)
  7. Eminem
    eminem
    To be honest, this would just be to throw off my mother when I answer the phone. Also, to finally do something with the lame original raps laying around in my head.

Now of course, I advocate for everyone being themselves and not wanting to get too into the idea of taking on another persona. Yes. However, if I could simply rent another voice for a few days while mine is healing, much like one rents a car while theirs is in the shop…hmm. I think there may be a sketch hidden in this idea. Pardon me.

*Off to the writers’ lounge*

Yours in Vocal Rest,

-BB2

Who Else But Diogenes?

Who Else But Diogenes? (A Comedy of Ethic Proportions)

This week, I learned about a very interesting (and perplexing…and comical) fact about some ancient Greek Athenian philosophers. First, a little background:

We’ve all heard about Socrates (470-399 BC), who was known for going around town seeking men whom he considered ‘wise’ and prodding them with philosophical debates in a quest to see if they were wiser than him or not. The subject matter ranged from the definition of purity to the definition of virtue. He was an old man, and had a following of younger guys following him around to learn from him, like Plato. However, the big bad establishment didn’t like this, called “most unorthodox” on him, saying he was ‘corrupting the youth’ and ‘an atheist’, and pulled him into court, ending with him getting their death penalty when he failed to defend himself well.

Then there was Diogenes of Sinope (410-324 BCE) who Plato referred to as “Socrates gone mad.” Diogenes preached a version of early Cosmopolitanism (the belief that humans should be ‘citizens of the world’, learning about universal values & cultures, not just our own). He said that humans must live in harmony with nature, rejected all social conventions, and lived a life of simplicity. Not a bad idea, but what gets people was his insane habits- lived a life without shame, and I REALLY mean shameless. He would spit on people’s faces, make out with women in public, defecate in public, urinate on people who insulted him, even pleasure himself in public. His death was rumored to have been resulted in a kidnapping…by pirates. It happens.

What got me when I learned about Diogenes was the fact that this guy, as far as we know, was never committed. The more I read about this guy during some research, the more I realized that he was a huge tool. But then Socrates gets the death penalty for ‘corrupting the youth’ when his intent was just to hold discussions, because he’s a slight annoyance. In my own little world, I like to imagine the two of them in the same arena talking, and Socrates getting crap for what he does, but Diogenes getting away with everything. So, indulge with me if you will, into a brief sketch I like to call: Who Else But Diogenes?

(I took a few liberties with the dialogue and Plato’s character for good measure. But it is based on historical events. Enjoy.)

****

Scene: The streets of Athens, near King Archon’s court. SOCRATES is talking to EUTHYPHRO with a small group of young men watching, including PLATO.

SOCRATES: And so I say to you, my dear Euthyphro, what can one declare as the definition of piety?

EUTHYPHRO: We believe in the gods, and we are pious through them if we do what pleases them. Therefore they will love us in return.

SOCRATES: Ah and you raise a good point, my good close and personal friend. But is piety defined by the gods? I mean, are the pious being loved by the gods because it is pious; or is it pious because it is being loved by the gods?

YOUNG MEN: Aaaaaaaah. (All nod in assent. PLATO scribbles furiously)

EUTHYPHRO: (scratches head) …uh, come again?

SOCRATES: Oh Euthyphro, you poor unfortunate soul. You see, if we go with my first question, a man is loved by the gods because they are pious. Okay. What makes them pious? And what does this mean of the gods? This in turn renders them all-powerful, and all-knowing. However, if a man is pious because it is being loved by the gods, this opens up the door for all kinds of issues. What if the gods don’t agree on what is pious? What if one of them believes in life while the other advocates murder? What if one likes evil? Is evil pious now? What if one believes it’s okay to lick door knobs?

PLATO: (dramatic gasp) INCOMPREHENSIBLE, GOOD SIR!

SOCRATES: I know, I know. But this is where the problem of evil takes place. It all boils down to the Divine Command of the Theory of Ethics —

EUTHYPHRO: (cutting him off) Okay, seriously Socks, stop it. Just stop it, okay? I get it. I was just asking you for advice on how to talk to that girl over there, but now she’s gone. Happy now? She’s gone. I have no idea how we got on this tangent, but now I have to go convince her that I don’t just spend all my time talking to old geezers.

SOCRATES: But my dear, sweet, lovely Euthyphro, we haven’t concluded our discussion! You are a wise judge and I need to know which one of us is wiser–

EUTHYPHRO: You’re wise, all right. A wise-cracking waste of time. Now where’d she go?

PLATO: You know she’s not into guys who’s name sounds like a sneeze, right?

EUTHYPHRO: HEY. HEY. It’s my grandfather’s name, you buttmunch!

[Enter Diogenes, fumbling in half-drunkenly with the GIRL]

DIOGENES: Hey hey people, Big D on the scene! (YOUNG MEN cheer)

SOCRATES: Dio the Dog. We meet again.

DIOGENES: Yeah, sorry I’m late for the great debate, but I had to hate on Alexander the Great. Then I found this girl and gave her a whirl & she gave me a twirl – (grabs her and makes out furiously in front of everyone, as they cheer)

SOCRATES: I’m gonna hurl.

DIOGENES: (smacks her behind) Go wait for me, m’lady. I gotta handle these fools. [GIRL exists]

SOCRATES: How DARE you?! Do you know how indecent your behavior is in these humble courts? How unvirtuous are you that you would behave this way in the public presence of–

EUTHYPHRO: Aaah, come off it, Socks, my (mockingly) ‘dear, beautiful friend’ – he’s harmless.

SOCRATES: Are you mad, Euthyphro? He just came over here, rhyming, and made the girl you were pursuing Patient X for Sexually Transmitted Diogenes.

EUTHYPHRO: Naw it’s all good. It’s Big D! He’s the coolest guy in town!

DIOGENES: You KNOW!!! (high-5s EUTHYPHRO; all cheer)

SOCRATES: Why are you talking like that?

DIOGENES: Let me tell you something, Biggie Socks. It’s all about exposing yourself. (Sits on stairs, spreading his legs, leaving less to the imagination since they’re all wearing tunics) You’re a simple man, I’m a simple man. But you like to just stay in these courts and bother people who don’t care about what you have to say. I’m all about living a life of the Cosmopolitan. We as people need to get out there and explore different cultures & values around the world. That’s where you truly learn – by exposure! (crosses legs)

YOUNG MEN: Hmmmmm. (PLATO writes furiously)

DIOGENES: In my travels, I came across a culture of those who used rhyming of words combined with beats to acquire great wealth, women and wisdom. You may or may not agree with this, but it opened my eyes to more as a person. And I gotta tell you – I loved it! (stands, rapping as the YOUNG MEN get into it) “Now I ain’t saying she’s a golddigger, but she’s not messing with—”

SOCRATES: (rises) Okay, stop this at once! Your ideals are admirable, but you clearly don’t understand what it means to behave as a proper philosopher. One does not parade around in such a fashion.

DIOGENES: I know you ain’t coming at Big D like that…

SOCRATES: My friend, I am only suggesting that you are smarter than this behavior.

DIOGENES: (spits a huge chunk of spit on SOCRATES’ face)

YOUNG MEN: OOOOHHHHHH!!!

SOCRATES: What in the flying…

DIOGENES: Sorry, I couldn’t find a meaner receptacle. That, and I was trying to clean the stupid off of your face.

YOUNG MEN: (charmingly) Oh, Diogenes!

SOCRATES: Are you telling me your travels led you to act as a royal pain due to the exposure you gained from observing them? In what way is this virtuous behavior?

DIOGENES: It’s all about harmony with virtues. We have to at least know other about virtues in order to better understand and appreciate our own. Would you agree?

YOUNG MEN: Hmmmmm.

PLATO: I agree with whatever the smartest person in the room says!

SOCRATES: (to PLATO) Hey. HEY. You’re on MY side. (PLATO writes furiously)

DIOGENES: You saying he can’t think for himself?

SOCRATES: Yes. I mean no. I mean…wait. Well–

DIOGENES: Heh-heh-heh, relax, Socks. You know, I respect you for what you’re trying to teach these poor young men. I really do. Hey, can you hand me that thing on the ground?

SOCRATES: Sure (crouches down)…wait, what thing?

DIOGENES: THIS. (grabs SOCRATES’ face, aims it behind his butt, and farts)

SOCRATES: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL— (jumps back)

DIOGENES: Sorry, I figured since you’re already wearing your badonkadonk as a hat, I may as well remind you of what it smells like down there.

YOUNG MEN: Oh, Diogenes!

DIOGENES:  Thaaaaaaaat’s me!

SOCRATES: This is intolerable!

DIOGENES: Loser say what?

SOCRATES: What?

DIOGENES: Ha!

SOCRATES: UGGGGGHHH.

[Enter EUTHYPHRO with MELETUS, a court official representing the poets]

EUTHYPHRO: That’s him, Meletus! Hades’ chest hair himself!

SOCRATES: Finally, someone’s come to take this madman away where he—

MELETUS: Well, well, well. Socrates. I’ve been waiting for the chance to put you away.

SOCRATES: Me? What have I done?

MELETUS: For years you’ve roamed the streets annoying me and the Athenian people with your self-righteous beliefs, defying the gods and corrupting our youth with your atheistic beliefs. But blocking Euthyphro from getting some digits too? This is the final straw, old man. That is a serious breach of Athenian Bro Code Law #4.

SOCRATES: Me?! What about this guy?? He just urinated on me, flatulated in my face, and HE’S the one who took Euthyphro’s girl, not I!

MELETUS: You mean Big D? Oh, he’s my cousin on my mama’s side! We cool! What’s good kinfolk?

DIOGENES: (He is now in the corner eating a bat. He looks up.) Oh sorry. Want some?

MELETUS: Who else but Diogenes?

[YOUNG MEN get up. ALL but SOCRATES join in a song/dance as the music starts]*

YOUNG MEN/EUTHYPHRO/MELETUS: IT’S BIG D, BIG D, YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT HE’S GONNA DO NEXT! IT’S BIG D, BIG D…

DIOGENES: (tap dances) Come on everybody, let’s go find some sex!

ALL but SOCRATES: YOLO!!!!! (exit; MELETUS takes SOCRATES in the opposite direction)

SOCRATES: (reaching out) No! Young men, don’t leave me! Please! Plato, my sweet Plato! Come back, I know you want to!

PLATO: (looks back, contemplatively) S-S-Socrates… (starts to move towards him, reaching back)

DIOGENES: Hey. Hey! (2 claps, pats thigh, snaps. PLATO returns to DIOGENES & the YOUNG MEN)

SOCRATES: Noooooo!

MELETUS: Quit your whining. Off we go. Here, have a drink as I take you to your prison.

SOCRATES: (drinks) This is insufferable. It’s so darn hot…milk was a bad choice!


FINE.

 

*Inspiration for the Who Else But Diogenes? song came from here:

Atkinson Does Musicals

So this is silly, but one of my favorite shows, SNL, has a character on Weekend Update this year named Jebidiah Atkinson, played by the hilariously talented Taran Killam. Jebidiah is a harsh 1860s movie critic who hates every film ever released. He’s known for his great one-line zingers criticizing the films.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Oscar Nominated films 2014

So just for fun, I did the same for a few musicals on my own. I promise the jokes are original. I figured, I have my own site, and I think this is funny, and I review movies, so…here we go.

I’ve seen every musical ever since the dawn of time, and I am NOT IMPRESSED. not a fan

Into the Woods: My favorite character? Cinderella’s father – at least he was to drunk to pay attention to this awful story. NEXT!

Careful the things you say...children will listen...

Careful the things you say…children will listen…

Sweeney Todd: The Boring Barber of Fleet Street. I wish I was one of the people who had gotten their throat cut to escape this horrific trash. NEXT!*

Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd...

Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd…

Mary Poppins: I’d like to pop this show out of my VCR. This movie is so bland it had to make up its’ own word. NEXT!

First of all let me make one thing perfectly clear: I never explain anything.

First of all let me make one thing perfectly clear: I never explain anything.

Beauty and the Beast: If you ask me, that flower should have withered away sooner for that beast to die. NEXT!*

I have antlers in all of my decorating!

I have antlers in all of my decorating!

Singing in the Rain: The dancing was atrocious, the singing was unbearable, and I got as sick as Gene Kelly probably did from dancing around in the cold, hard rain just by watching. NEXT!

I caaaan't staan' 'im!

I caaaan’t staan’ ‘im!

The Wizard of Oz: We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of SUCK. The only thing more colorful than this abomination of film is the vomit it induced afterwards. “There’s no place like home”? That’s where this movie needs to go – with its’ tail between its leg like Toto, and get caught up in a tornado of its’ own. NEXT!

Nobody sees the wizard, not no way, not no how!

Nobody sees the wizard, not no way, not no how!

Grease: Grease lightening is exactly what I’d like this musical to be struck by. A show that teaches kids to have sex early and quit school with no consequences? Just like the perfect high school message. NEXT!

It's electrifyin'!!! ('lectrifyin...'lectrifyin...)

It’s electrifyin’!!! (‘lectrifyin…’lectrifyin…),

Guys and Dolls: “Sue Me”? I WILL. NEXT!!!

Adalaide!

Adalaide!

Annie: No, Annie, I’ll still HATE this tomorrow. NEXT!!

It's only a day away!

It’s only a day away!

Little Shop of Horrors: More like the opposite of “Honey, We Shrunk the Plants” for Rick Morranis. Audrey’s singing was so terrible that I wish the plant would have eaten her sooner. Or at least me! NEXT!!

Does this look inanimate to you, punk?!

Does this look inanimate to you, punk?!

Dreamgirls: More like Nightmaregirls. “Move Right Outta My Life”? Gladly. They also lied to me when they said “It’s All Over” because the show kept on going. “I Am Changing”? So did I – I got up and changed my ticket for my money back. NEXT!!!

"What's R&B, Mr. Early?" "Rough & Black."

“What’s R&B, Mr. Early?”
“Rough & Black.”

I’ll stop there for now. Hopefully you thought this was at least somewhat fun as I did. Feel free to comment with silly harsh criticisms of musicals you enjoy! next!

-BB2

*submitted by Rachel Black

The NEW Wiz Cast

In reaction to my The Wiz review, I’ve often thought about what a modern-day cast would be like. Well, my friends, I have the answer.

*Cue epic music with narration by a deep baritone voice*

Coming this Summer from Tyler Perry Studios:

The new remake that you’ve all been waiting for…

Follow these characters on the quest for liberation, identity, and their gifts…

(and forgiveness, because you know, every Tyler story is about forgiving someone to finally get rid of your emotional baggage)…

In this classic remake of Motown’s blockbuster hit from your youth, join award-winning entertainers and long-time performers in Tyler Perry stage & film productions:

Willow Smith as Dorothy

willow smith

Drake as the Scarecrow

drake

Keith Robinson as the Tin Man

keith robinson

Kevin Hart as the Lion

kevin hart

Jamie Foxx as the Wiz

jamie foxx

Phylicia Rashad as Auntie Em

phylicia rashad

Queen Latifah as Addapearl

queen latifah

Jennifer Hudson as Glinda the Good Witch

jennifer hudson

Ice T as the Leader of the flying monkeys

Ice T

and featuring Tyler Perry’s Madea as Evilene

madea

and the return of Bebe’s Kids as the Poison Poppies

bebe's kids

TYLER PERRY STUDIOS PRESENTS:

WIZ

Coming to a $5 Walmart bin near you.

Okay, you can’t tell me this wouldn’t be hilarious. I mean, picture the jokes you’d get from Kevin Hart as not only a cowardly lion, but also being the shortest in the group + how he’d react when danger struck. And hey, with Jamie Foxx as the Wiz, we can actually get a performance based on the original material because he can sing and act! And sorry, I couldn’t resist the idea of TP making the movie and putting himself in it as Madea. It’d be perhaps inevitable but likely hilarious. And I’d love to see her spar against Kevin Hart for a minute. Lololol.

What do you think? Who else would be better in a remake of this? Let me know what you think!

-BB2