BB2 Monthly Assessment: January ’15

So. How are your New Years’ Resolutions going???
Better yet: How are those resolutions you set last year in January 2014?????

The point of setting a personal “resolution” is usually to make one’s self better in some way, big or small, via a positive change in life. This change must be achieved with a consistently changed habit. Changing a habit is one of the most challenging things a living being can experience, because it forces us to consistently think about the little things we are doing on the daily. When pursued for the right reasons and supported by consistency, it can often lead to the strongest of development for you in major ways. We often think of dietary/physical change as one of the biggest, but it doesn’t really matter what the change is – what matters is that you stick to it in order to transform. Here’s an example that I was absolutely taking for granted.

Just over a year ago now, I dislocated my shoulder while stretching. My arm popped completely out of the socket for about 90 seconds while watching Johnson Family Vacation (could have influenced the rating I gave the movie upon reviewing it months ago) and it was, to date, the worst physical pain I have ever felt. Prior to this, I was rather double-jointed – as in, I could do the rolling the arms over the shoulder thing. However, after my accident, I definitely could not stretch my arms over & behind my shoulders anymore. This meant every single time I went stretch (which was a pretty good amount per day), I couldn’t really extend myself too much. If I was around my mother, she would have to remind me to put my arms down. Of course, I’d be instantly annoyed because I usually did this absent-mindedly. But that’s part of the point – I had to  make a conscious decision to keep myself from doing that in order to avoid the possibility of disconnecting my arms again. Because let me tell you – it was not fun the first time around!

Changing a habit involves a conscious decision to do so, followed by an intentful consistency in keeping yourself evolving. That is what’s currently helping me to keep myself physically in tact in the limbs department. I kind of need these things to last for a while (just saying). The same goes for any habit you may want to change about yourself for the better! Are you seeking to better your relationships, a physical attribute, or being bad at mornings? (I’m still working on that one.) Take that thing, program it into your daily life, have a person nearby to keep you honest about it, and push through the frustrations. This was a small example, but I’m still dealing with it and probably will for a while. However, it’s giving me the right kind of motivation and perseverance in small ways that I’ll need on other things on a larger scale.

So I ask again: how are your habit-changing lifestyles going?

-BB2

BB2 Monthly Assessment: November

Hi all,

In the midst of trying to finish this semester and Thanksgiving weekend activity, I didn’t get this out during the actual month of November, and now I’ve lost my time to do it the way I had hoped originally…so instead, I’d like to do this:

Please remember this holiday season to just exercise genuine and consistent kindness as often as possible. Also remember what the season is really all about. It’s so easy to get caught up in “OMG I HAVE TO DO THIS AND GO THERE AND THERE’S NO TIME TO—” and even as I type this, I know I’ll very easily get wrapped up in stressing over similar thoughts! (Mostly over school.) However, in a time of year where we’re even more apt to do this than usual, this is the time of year in which the most kindness is needed. It’s Christmas!!

We are at a time in the world in which “Joy to the World” and “peace on earth” are very much absent from the hearts of many. Just in the past few months, we’ve dealt nationally with things like the Ferguson case/riots, ebola breakouts, suicide stories, the Cosby allegations…and so much more. We need something to be joyful about. I have been encouraged recently by just saying “Merry Christmas” to people at work and having it said back just about every time – not a disgruntled, ignoring gesture or snarky remark about kicking Christ out of Christmas and being offended – but they returned my Christmas cheer! It’s a little thing, but it’s a very big thing to me in the world we live in.

So I encourage you – find some ways to really give love this Christmas season, and watch it be returned!

-BB2

BB2 Monthly Assessment: October

This month, the main thing on my mind has very much to do with my most recent lack of legs.

Over two months ago, I fell and sprained my knee – bad enough that I had to readjust my activity at work, teach sitting often, and never going out to socialize because “I need to put my legs up.” I did everything the doctors told me to in order to get better, between physical therapy, medicine for the muscle inflammation, icing my knees regularly, etc. I even used crutches for a while, which was the most annoying physical thing to do ever. (I had some outstanding arm muscles from it, however.) After what felt like an agonizing 1.5 months, I finished physical therapy, had been off my crutches, eventually stopped using a knee brace, and could walk around fine (and nearly run!) feeling about 90% recovered just fine. I remained on my feet all week, working very hard in school and work even if it meant being ‘everywhere’ (but being careful whenever possible).

Sadly…my injured knee eventually relapsed after all this activity. Bad enough that both knees were in a lot of pain, and I had to go back to two crutches and a brace, AND get temporary handicapped parking just so I could get around campus easier. I figured it was from overworking it, and had to get an MRI done for further results – turns out while most of the inflammation is gone, there’s just enough left (a very little bit) to cause the pain I’m still experiencing. So next it’s off to an orthopedic surgeon for more specific guidance.

Why do I mention all of this? Not for sympathy or anything like that. But because I didn’t get why it was happening. I had gotten better, and tried to resume normal activity. Why was I back down again?

Well as it happens, this serves as a perfect metaphor for life’s hardships. The very things we most depend on and take for granted just might be taken from right under us sometimes! It could be things…it could be people…it could be a good situation…so on and so on.

I also mention this because I think I’m supposed to understand this later. This whole thing’s had me feeling like I’m 25 going on 65, and I’ve been told a thousand times by people over the age of 40 that “You’re young, don’t worry – you’ll bounce back soon.” My first instinct is always “yeah no, right now I just feel pretty elderly.” But then again, there’s probably some truth to this. Later on, I’ll probably experience something that will have only made sense because I already went through not having great use of my legs. I’ve already been through that after having dislocated my shoulder months ago. (My conducting shoulder, at that!)

My point: we can’t take our negative experiences for granted. To be honest, I do not have all the answers on this particular situation yet, and it is absolutely not fun whatsoever. However, I do believe that every negative experience provides us with something to learn from (big or small) that we may grow from it and into something more positive later on. Sometimes, we have to fall back to move forward, right?
There’s a great song on the very subject that Take 6 did an arrangement of that explains it a little better that I do here:

-BB2

 

BB2 Monthly Assessment: September

I haven’t had much time to write this past month with the start of a very busy school year, and as such this post will be brief. However, it’s a healthy personal reflective habit that I’ve started this year and do not wish to discontinue, even when busy.

One things (among many) that I’ve recently noticed about myself is that when it comes to conversing with others, I really just like listening the most. It’s great to have a fun mutual exchange about events, shared interests, whatever’s happening at the moment, some jokes, and so on. Depending on the environment and the person’s energy I’m feeding off of, I might either be all in on guiding the conversation, or I might be doing more listening, reacting, and support. But my favorite thing to do, I think, is having those few and far between moments with people where i can just learn about them. I can just listen to them share their thoughts, their ideas, past/present/future, what makes them who they really are. Even if I have little to contribute to the conversation and don’t necessarily need to provide follow-up statements, I just really enjoy getting that one-on-one chat with people once in a while to get an inner look. I had a great extended exchange with a coworker that turned into this some days ago, and it was great to have that kind of well-meaning bond-building kind of thing. These are the things that build the healthiest of relationships of any kind and people, in my opinion. So often we listen to talk in a conversation rather than listening to hear what the other person is saying. Doing the former, I believe, makes for a much more well-rounded and caring individual.

Finally, after my previous thoughts on dealing with death a couple weeks ago, I think this can also help to make those strong connections that will put a person in a better place to pay them their roses while they can appreciate them – just by talking. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, really. It just matters that you’re there.

-BB2

We are friends.

BB2 Monthly Assessment: August

So, first of all…2014 is now 2/3 over. …Wow. That’s pretty crazy to think about! Especially when you’ve been through a decent amount of life lessons and situations throughout the past year. As I sit down to reflect on my personal growth over the past month, this was the first thing that came to mind. I don’t know if I have much different to say then my post last weekend about ‘slowing down’, but after some thoughts at church this morning, I just have a couple brief things that have crossed my mind in regards to my personal growth and life journey.

Last weekend, I wrote about how I fell on my knee at work as a result of running around before my shift. This took place because I was rushing around in a hurry to get in place on time, and one of my chronic life issues is learning how to slow down with both little things logistically and big things in life to understand them just enough before acting. One of my favorite duos in the Bible right now is Martha & Mary. Their story is that Jesus came over their house, and Martha was busy rushing around to busily prepare for the visit and make all the logistics in place just right – she was a worker bee, hardcore. Then she got upset when her sister, Mary, wasn’t helping her cook and clean, but was instead sitting at Jesus’ feet listening to Him talk. Martha asked Jesus to tell Mary to help her work, and Jesus told Martha that Mary was where she should be – listening to Him and basking in a relationship. It wasn’t wrong of Martha to work and get things done, but she didn’t have a healthy balance between doing things for Jesus vs. doing things with Jesus. I think in life, it’s VERY easy for us to be a Martha – rushing around to get multiple tasks done that are important…but if we don’t balance them out and slow down enough to truly grasp them, we’ll miss the point of them. And if we miss the point, we could easily miss what God might have for us around the corner! We might even miss the essence of what it is we’re working towards in the first place. I personally know that this will become even more of a challenge for myself this semester between my multiple school studies and responsibilities, work, performing, and everything else I’m involved with. It’ll be up to me to stop as much as I can to really look at what’s going on in my life, tasks and life lessons, in order to grasp what I need to continue to advance in the big scheme of things in this life. (That was a loaded statement, but I get what I meant.)

I also need to make sure that I do 3 things: Gird (or tighten) my mind, Guard my heart, and Guide my lifestyle. These are things in this morning’s sermon, based around discipline & focus in your faith. It made me think a bit about how these are things needed in our faith, our lives, our thoughts, our actions, our families, our careers…so on and so forth. I need to keep special tabs on my mind, heart and soul by watching what I feed them – because you are what you eat, ultimately. For example, I like writing music. If all I listen to is trap music, it’s probably what I’ll want to write whenever I get an idea – that’s not a horrible idea, but it stifles my creativity and range if that’s all I’m doing. (Same goes if I stayed in one area of a specific kind of classical music). I can say the same thing about unhealthy life habits! I need to up my watch on these things because they are what will create my lifestyle. I really like how my lifestyle has become much more aware and smarter this year, but I know I still have a ways to go – and taking that awareness up to consistency in habits is what will make my lifestyle even stronger. When I look at the lifestyles of others whom I greatly respect and look up to, whether they are other teachers, professors, parents, or 30-somethings whom I look up to for where I want to be short-term: I realize that their journeys were built on strong lifestyle choices that probably had to adjust by strong guiding of their souls and habits.

-BB2

BB2 Monthly Assessment: July

Hello! I’m back from my longest blog hiatus yet (2 weeks) after being highly busy with YEPAW – prepping it, the week itself, and recovering from it. What is YEPAW you may ask? I’ll talk about that in a minute for those unaware. I also aged this month…a couple days ago. And yes, I hit a milestone once again that symbolized how far I’ve come recently. Let me explain.

YEPAW stands for Youth Excellence Performing Arts Workshop, and it’s a 25-year-old youth ministry started to prove that today’s youth are not a hopeless generation. What began as a youth gospel choir of a handful of teens in a church over time emerged & branched out into a large program during which for one week, a few hundred teens attend to take classes in the arts (voice, drumline, step, mime, drama, sign language, dance, etc.), learn 10 songs as a mass choir, stay in dorms with counselors, listen to speakers, and encounter several things geared towards learning about being excellent in their lifestyles through the arts and through Jesus. At the end of the week, we put on a big closing concert for the community to showcase the songs, class presentations, and everything that we’ve been instilled with, along with the charge to take it to apply towards out lived & walk with God. Many people have had their lives transformed by YEPAW, myself included. Many have given their lives to God at YEPAW, and/or made friendships & connections with people whom remain in their lives for a lifetime. (It’s really hard to “describe” this program & its’ impact…it truly is something you just have to SEE in action.)

ANYWAY! Last week was YEPAW week, and as exhausting of an experience as it usually is (it’s called ‘WORKshop’ for a reason!), it’s always extremely rewarding to watch so many kids start to make positive transformations. Of course you have the ones who are tougher to deal with (defying rules, talking out of place, etc.) but in the end, it’s worth it every year even if only one kid were to turn their life towards Jesus. However, they’re not the only ones who reap spiritual benefits. I had a good few moments during the week – reflective moments when God’s spirit really just surrounded the place – when everyone was deep, deep, deep in worship to God or praying to turn their lives over to Him, and all I can do it sit there and think about how far He’s brought me over the past year. I shouldn’t even be here. How did I make it this far?

The answer doesn’t solely lie on “I worked hard.” It’s not just “I have a supportive family.” It’s not just “I’m smart.” A year ago I was in the beginning stages of my suppressed depression over who I was, what I was doing, where I was going, and how worth it everything was; on top of feeling alone. I did and said things that were a reaction of someone outside myself. Today, I am stronger, more consistent, more thoughtful, and much more aware of myself and what makes me who I am. I keep myself driven, and seek God more in what I’m doing/thinking so to avoid yielding towards the wrong side of the road whenever possible. I’m far from perfect, but I’m more conscious of my thoughts, actions and direction. Because of that, this week I thought to myself several times as I looked up to God, thinking/saying “Why am I here?”

There’s only one answer, and as I reflect on a quarter of my life now being complete, I can state it having lived the answer to its’ fullest: GOD. God has brought me to where I am. Yes, I’ve worked hard, and been supported by a great family and all that. But if you take away everything else I have going for me, God has provided it all and kept me alive. I promise, as bad off as I was before, He is the only one strong enough to depend on in true times of real trial and struggle. If God hadn’t kept me going over the past year and caught me when I fell, I wouldn’t be here. If he hadn’t still pointed me in the direction of opportunities for my future, I would have stayed in turmoil and missed out on the path He laid out for me. So as I reflect on this past month, as much as I could talk about that has happened, that really is my biggest and most important takeaway – that God has truly had my back and kept me all this time. Why does He do it? Because He loves us – past our crap, past our huge screwups, past our faults. It’s that love that you’ll never find anywhere else, and because of that it drives us INSANE. But it’s the truth!

The question is: what are we going to do about it?

-BB2

BB2 Monthly Assessment: June (+THANKS to my readers)

This year, I started doing a monthly assessment of myself. It is what it sounds like: at the end of each month, I take a look at things about myself, how I’ve progressed in life over the past 30 days, and where I need to go from here. If life is truly a journey, it’s important to look at the car you’re driving, where you’re about to head off to, how you’re getting there, why you’re going, and what you’ll do when you get there. That sounds like a lot…but it is all important. Usually I talk about major emotional or psychological moments I had within the past month that made me really think about why I operate the way I do. Being a month away from hitting 25 now, I think today is a good time to recognize where things are going.

(Secret about me: pictures of pathways are my favorite. So…representative of life.)

Okay. So once this summer is over, school will be back in session and I’ll go back to my Masters degree work in choral conducting. I was thankfully given an assistantship with our choral dept. to serve as director of one choir, asst. director of the chorale, and general gopher for the choral dept. head. Soooo I’ll be pretty busy, but doing things I want to do. I also want to work in adding my vocal performance masters, and I think that’ll begin in the winter (but I am picking voice lessons this semester again). I’m very excited about all of this! Right now, my ultimate career goal is to be able to teach choir at the university level. For all I know, at this young age, that could change given major turns and circumstances in future years. However, for now I know that this is where my passions lie.

Dad always taught us growing up, “Pick something so good that you can wake up every morning excited to go to work because you get to do your thing. And the fact that you get paid for it is just a plus.” I’ve kept this with me all my life and allowed it to influence the choices I make with where I want to end up. When I wasn’t enjoying my journey at different points, I could tell when it was time to shift gears, get off the highway, and find a new road. Or a new car. And I think now I’ve been on the correct path – here’s to hoping I keep myself there from now on.
*******
Now on another note, I’d like to shift gears, because while writing this…to be honest, a completely different set of thoughts just took over. To everyone who’s been reading things on my site: a sincere thank you. I’ve only been blogging since February, but I started this as not just a movie-reviewing venue just-for-fun, but mainly as a catharsis at a very important time in my life. I wrote about my thoughts on life and how I’ve been developing in recent months to help sort my thoughts out in a healthy way, and I was able to relate to many others out there who were doing the same. This helped me immeasurably; and to top it off, others were able to relate to me as well. I wasn’t doing it to get a ton of internet acclaim (I even felt bad about days in a row where I didn’t have time to blog), but as time went on and different posts & movie reviews started getting tons of hits, I was just taken aback. Not to be all “hey look at me, I got mad followers” or anything like that. I’m just grateful that my expressions, thoughts and ultimately artwork can be used in a positive light to anyone who reads it. To my fellow bloggers, many of your works have brought me joy and positivity as well just by you doing your thing.

To everybody: don’t be afraid to be yourself!

-BB2

BB2 Monthly Assessment: May

As I sit here writing my self-assessment for the month of May, I realize two things.

The first is that I continue to slowly become more and more comfortable with myself, especially since my quarter-life-crisis last year. With the aid of being around family, returning to school, becoming more active with my church choir, and in general many other people/places/activities that have been good for me, I can strongly say that I am surrounded by what I consider many “safe places” right now. By “safe place”, I mean people, environments, activities, etc. which bring out the best in me, keep me productive in a positive & constructive way, bring me joy, and make me want to be a better person. In these safe places, I can find love, laughter, and other things I need to grow constructively as a person. So yes, my family is a safe place. School is a safe place. The part-time jobs I have while school are safe places. Singing with the church choir is a safe place. Certain close friends who are good to see, talk to, trust and laugh with are safe places. Certain adults I respect, enjoy talking to and might aspire to be like are safe places. Most importantly, staying connected to God in prayer and seeking to do things both for and because of Him is the safest place there can possibly be.

Now, the second thing is how my past plays a role in the forward direction I’ve been moving in. Of course, I’ve been a firm believer for years in not letting yesterday bother you to the point of keeping you from doing what you need to today – rather you should learn from the good and the bad, then prepare for tomorrow with that in mind. However, there traces of my past that haunt me regularly, frequently shifting my judgement as to whether the things I am preparing for tomorrow are worth it. “This didn’t work the first time around so well, what makes you think you can do better this time?” “You won’t be any different.” “You’ll never get these chances again. May well try something else.” “You aren’t that great anyway.” “How long must this go on?” These are all just a few of the thoughts that float around my mind in regards to how my past could possibly affect my future. Chances are, it will always be an issue in the back of my mind just because of the roller coaster of emotions and situations it all took me through. But can I survive with these thoughts in the back of my mind forever? How will it affect me emotionally or spiritually? Will it affect trying to find a wife & start a family carrying emotional baggage? Will it affect me professionally when I’m trying to accomplish various goals of mine? Will it have a downward spiral on my relationship with God or come back tenfold as I approach my midlife crisis on 20 years?

The answer to these questions, and so many more, is that there is definitely a chance of these things. A chance. But how far everything goes is really up to me. When my past comes knocking on the door (and I’ll admit, I have peeked in the peephole for a couple seconds), I’ve had to train myself to leave the door closed. Re-opening what had already been closed only allows those things to re-enter your house, which I’ve already suffered from. Last time I let them in, I indulged in things that were selfishly unhealthy for me because I blinded myself to that which was good for me, thinking that I needed something to be happy about. I let my emotions get the best of my thoughts, actions, words, and judgement. Eventually I had to tear myself away from these things and that environment in order to survive – to continue to dwell in my emotional curveball, I’m convinced, would only have led to a demise I can’t begin to imagine.

As dark as that may sound, I can guarantee it’s the truth. This is why I say, I’m more than grateful for my “safe places” today. I won’t sit here and try to convince you, the reader, that I’m a “good guy.” That is for you to decide upon knowing me well enough. I will say that I was raised to know right vs. wrong on many things, with values rooted strongly in faith with God. So my entire quarter-life-crisis was a long hauled left-of-center kind of deal.

HOWEVER.

What I can say now is this: My past is not who I am. It doesn’t define me. Anyone who ever has something in their past that they aren’t proud of or wish didn’t happen deserves to be judged by who they are today and who they are on there way to becoming. Some of you may have read previous posts about my aspirations and other thoughts as I acknowledged things about myself in order to help my personal growth. Now that I’ve gotten through the “learning from acknowledgement” phase and have put the pieces of my confidence back together, my goals now for the next month are not to let my past tear down the progress I’ve made. If I continue to do that, I will only set myself back into square one. I plan to use a lot of prayer, further reflection, plans for my future, and my “safe places” to keep me guided on the right track.

“And we know that all things work to the good for them that love God” – Romans 8:28

“Clear the bar…raise the standard.” – Pastor Ronald J. Fowler

“Be kind to your present so your past can’t make a liar out of your future.” – BB2

Yours in the journey,
-BB2

BB2 Monthly Assessment (April)

This year, I started doing a monthly assessment of myself. It is what it sounds like: at the end of each month, I take a look at things about myself, how I’m improving, and how much more I have to go. It’s my 4th one now, and it really is helping me to think more and more about gaining a stronger self-awareness in order to move through life improving on a daily basis. The best way to go through life is to seek to learn more, improve, and strive for higher and higher goals.

Last month’s assessment ended with ‘belonging’ as one of the main points I wanted to think about/focus on more; trying to pay attention to where I feel most comfortable with fitting in, how I might belong to a place/group/people, and how I operate. This is probably the biggest thing I focused on throughout April. Everyone has the need to feel as though they belong to something. When you’re a young teenager, you long to figure out where you fit in the best and feel the most comfortable – maybe it’s the basketball team, maybe it’s art class, maybe it’s band, maybe it’s simply with a circle of friends whom know you the best. No matter what, it is within this group that you will give your best efforts and often enjoy your time the most. As we grow, I believe we as social beings who thrive from others in our own way (age notwithstanding) still seek to have at least one or two places such as this. Maybe it’ll be our workplace (especially if it is within our ideal career); maybe it’s with a special activity we do in our free time, like singing in the community choir or weekly church functions. It helps to define who you are in a way.

One thing I’ve come to learn about myself is that I feel as though I can belong to a group more when I feel as though I can contribute something in a positive way – especially when it involves responsibility. When I can help complete a goal or task, I feel like I’m giving back or helping, and I feel much more a part a major contributor, and therefore I feel more comfortable being involved. When I am unable to do this, I feel much more removed from the group. For example, throughout this month, my voice went in and out for some days due to physical illness. As a result, I had to take a few days off here and there from singing in choirs at school to rest my voice, allowing it to (eventually) return in full. Most days, I would still sit in on rehearsals to still receive the information, but by doing that & not being able to contribute by singing, I felt so useless. I know that’s not really true, but I couldn’t help but feel much more removed from helping the groups achieve a great goal – musical greatness in performance. On the contrary, I’ve had more and more positive experiences in the choirs have done the opposite for me. With the Men’s Chorus, the music I rehearsed/conducted with them went beautifully in our performances after much hard work, and the more time I had in front of them to make music, the more comfortable I became with these guys in general. One of these concerts brought me the most fun I’ve had performing in a choir concert in a long time, and by now, I had gained a strong sense of belonging with them. Moreso, I started to feel a similar sense of belonging with the Chorale (a group which I had originally felt more intimidated by being in) because I began to have more time either in front of them for rehearsals and started getting to know other members a bit better.

Last month I also wrote about feeling this more and more with my church choir, and much of this was for similar reasons – being able to invest more time & responsibility to stay connected with them; as well as the fact that they are just plain old wonderful human beings (seriously, the kindest people I will ever meet). I’ve also more than established this with my coworkers at my weekend part-time job of many years, but this took a long time to feel completely comfortable – I was a quiet, stoic worker when they hired me. By now, the more time I spent there, the more comfortable I became with the genuinely kindhearted environment, and especially the more I was able to enjoy the people & prove I was a responsible worker – the more I opened up and became myself. Now it’s not as much of a job for me as it is being able to spend time working with another family of mine.

Belonging to an accepting family – whether it’s my actual loving family, my fun work family, my wonderful church choir family, or my newly developing school family – is an important aspect of my life and development as a person. These relationships, while varied, help me to adjust to and through life in ways that make it all worth it in a unique, but important way. I feel more attached and important when these are in place, and not as though I’m just going through motions on anything. When I feel as though I’m missing this in an area, I feel either less inclined to invest myself in whatever’s going on, or I just feel useless, as though I am not a part of anything. And when we’re not a part of something good, we need to be sure we’re not a part of something bad…before it finds us.
-BB2

One note alone can’t make an entire symphony.-

BB2: Monthly Assessment (March)

This year, I started taking a monthly assessment of myself in my journal. It is what it sounds like: at the end of each month, I take a look at things about myself, how I’m improving, and how much more I have to go. It’s my 3rd one now, and it really is helping me to think more and more about gaining a stronger self-awareness in order to move through life improving on a daily basis. The best way to go through life is to seek to learn more, improve, and strive for higher and higher goals.

A LOT happened this month to write about, but I’d like to share just a portion with you (in list form):

• “Midterms– I poured my heart & soul into passing my midterms like never before, and aced them both. The feeling of accomplishment actually came not after I got the ‘A’ back, but right before I took the test and had prepared myself so well for each one that I was nothing but ready for them. Being a generally bad test-taker, feeling this sense of accomplishment that soon was an accomplishment in itself for me.

• Choir – The Chorale went on tour mid-month for recruitment, concluding with a Sunday evening concert. This entire weekend, while not perfect, was originally a small but secret dread of mine…well, introverted me, not musical me. Having to spend so much time around everyone for 4 straight days sounded way more exhausting than the huge amount of music we were expected to sing. (Not that I hate people. See 5 Introverted Facts.) However, our music being so fantastic + feeling of performing has been slowly motivating me more and more to enjoy being there and being a part of something great – where my motivation as a singer should be. Once in a while I get a chance to…I guess, ‘feel important’ (with a few specific tasks) and part of me feels fulfilled just having given myself a brief moment to show that I can be normal. I’m just withheld by fear of putting myself out there typically thanks to a rocky/displaced self-disposition I’m working to conquer. I think this past year has been the MOST I’ve ever been so self-conscious of this. This is something I need to work on more, and it starts by finding ways to eliminate that fear. On the other hand, I’m finding myself opening up little by little in Men’s Chorus. Somewhere between the camaraderie of this atmosphere, being in front of them to rehearse a piece, having chatted with some of these guys at times and so on, I find myself getting comfortable in there just a little more, and differently. I’m still more on the introverted side there and feel like I probably come off as nervous half the time I’m in front of them, but the feeling of wanting to belong somewhere with this school feels a tad more natural with this group. Not 100% sure why yet.

• Church– I work for a small church choir of very nice, warm people whom I think highly of. Lately, I’ve been finding myself quietly wanting to get further involved with this church, or the people there, or using it to boost my spiritual life, or…something. The sermons have been really speaking some important things to me that I knew I’ve been missing for some time now. I grew up in the church, but I hadn’t been to one on a weekly basis before working for them since I started college, due only to not feeling fulfilled spiritually anywhere since. This church is nothing like the church I grew up in, but I can honestly say that they’ve has been giving me the right amount of a spiritual boost and things to think on in a way that I deeply needed. Getting more and more involved with the choir/music is also helping me to feel like I have more of an identity/belonging there. I guess that’s what I’m feeling with this church in general – a growing want of a belonging with them.

• Dreams – I’ve had some dreams lately about various life circumstances – the kind that put you in the situation that’s on your mind. These dreams are leading me to think that God is trying to tell me something through my dreams. I think it’s my job right now to just keep my eyes and ears open to whatever that may be, because chances are He’s trying to teach me something about myself.

So to sum it all up, it sounds like I need to pay attention to:

1. My dreams

2. Introversion

3. Belonging (where, with what groups and why)”

So that’s my monthly self-assessment (abridged). What are some things you’re thinking of in terms of bettering yourself? Feel free to share if you wish.

-BB2

We all have a path to choose. What’s surrounding yours?